Like in every spiral or cycle you are trapped in, you just can´t manage to get out. You keep following the same steps over and over again.
The sound of my tinnitus drives me crazy, especially when it just became louder. Then usually the anxiety starts, that it could keep peeping at that volume and that I would not be able to handle it. That anxiety keeps raising to a level, which doesn´t let me see clearly anymore.
Once reaching that level I feel like my whole life is colapsing and that there is no way to live a normal life: desperation. Feeling desperate happens, but when that feeling lasts over a longer period of time it starts to affect your life in every area. Not only in our social life, but also at work life and love life.
What follows ist mental distress, I get the feeling that I can´t even hold a normal conversation because I can´t understand what people are saying. And after asking five times and still not being able to understand what they are saying….well, then you just give up, right? My typical answer is usually: ah ok. But what if that answer doesn´t fit?
So I start to avoid conversations, but when you avoid conversations….let´s just be honest then going out is not fun anymore. Not being able to understand people correctly and trying to avaid certain sounds also brings in its difficulties at work. The other half of the time you just want to bang your head against the wall….to make that noise stop.
When you can´t understand most of the people because
a) they are speaking very quietly
b) there are many background sounds e.g. other people talking around you
c) music playing
and your ears just can´t filter the sounds anymore. Why stay there? I usually go home. That happens a few times and then I don´t want to go out at all anymore. Just stay home and watch movies or listen to music, trying not to hear that peeping.
Work. Home. Work. Home. Work. Home.
That is my life then. It is my fault, I don´t want to do anything. Firstly, I hate not being able to understand others. Secondly, I loose my empathy…I lose interest in other things. I just feel sorry for myself and all I want to do is to lay in bed and do NOTHING. But, not doing anything weirdly makes me even more depressed.
Usually I don´t have a lot of trouble falling asleep. I´m so bad at saying no, that my day is usually pretty busy. By the time I go to bed, I am normally so tired that I fall asleep easily. The problem is when I wake up at night, which I do a few times every night. Once I am up, it is difficult to go back so sleep. I try to listen to music or to meditation music or what ever to destract myself from listening to peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Depending on my mood and what else is going on in my life at the moment, it can happen that I can´t go back to sleep at all….which causes a spiral thinking in itself á la “Why do I have this tinnitus” “I just want it to go away” “I hate my life” “I can´t do this” …..
Of course nights like that cause exhaustion, but it is not just that. Feeling constantly under attac, to never have a moment of real peace, to never truly relax, to have a sound constantly annoying you…..yes, that just makes me slow, tired and just wanting to stay in bed for ever.
Of course not feeling well makes the T worse….and here we go again…the cycle start ALL OVER AGAIN
So now we need to break that cylce!
Read here what you can do when you have a bad day: https://thetinnituslife.com/2017/08/26/how-to-get-over-a-bad-tinnitus-day/